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October 6th, 2006

02:47 pm - torn My books came! So now that’s its established how much of a book work I am, I missed my first class, and not cause I was off with friends having such a good time I couldn’t leave, no! I was so groggy and icky that I couldn’t get out of bed. So not how I wanted to spend my Friday, but I guess I only have myself to blame. Going to Philly on Monday with a few people. I got called eccentric yesterday. My sister called me and told me that our dad called her and he sounded really upset about the whole loan thing, she says he honestly thought he did it. and now I’m torn, can I still be bad at him if it was a honest mistake, or can I with all justification say it doesn’t matter anymore if he did it purposely or not, he’s still the same basterd he’s always been. Yeah now I’m gonna go read all those books the library gave me…. just thinking about that gets me giddy peace Current Location: place of ikcy Current Mood: guilty Current Music: afi- love like winter

September 11th, 2006

11:30 pm Sometimes I miss you more then I’m willing to admit, and sometimes I wish I missed you more, but most of the time, I refuse to admit they buried you in your prom dress Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Best mistake- JamisonParker

September 2nd, 2006

10:36 pm God I hate being so mad about this. I hate that he’s done this. As much as I feel bad, I can’t be sympathetic, and I want to but I can’t because this is just un called for and I wanna just scream at him to fuckin stop. But I don’t, and I deal with the silent treatment, and I deal with everyone hating me because he’s not talking to them either and I will deal with his passive remarks that just are like a punch in the stomach. …. And now I begin to wonder if I’m the one to blame. This is the second time something like this has happened, and I just don’t pick up on it till it’s too late, or I do but can’t bring myself to have a confrontation. What the hell am I doing? I’m gonna go live with the penguins in Antarctica; boys don’t live there, so there is no possibility of this crap happening anymore. Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: Motion City soundtrack

August 28th, 2006

09:27 pm - This old room So why did I magically think this was gonna be different? The isolation was pounding, banging on my thin delicate barrier and I was so sure I was gonna crack. I kept it together if only to prove I’ve grown since 6th grade. I used to have friends and now I'm completely alone in this place, I don’t fit. I used to fit in high school, with my friends, where I had a place, a role to play, now… I feel so alone. While some of them are being seniors together, I’m walking unfamiliar halls and while others unpack in there dorms I’m sitting in math class feeling so lost, missing half of what the professor is saying. And while others sleep late, and haven’t started yet I come home and lay in bed panicking. There is so much more than just the isolation but I can’t even begin to put it into words. I’ve always been an adult and that’s why I’m at that college, that’s why I’m not unpacking at a college I've dreamt about and screamed with joy when I got in. but I was an adult and knew it was cheaper and that I’ll get that eventually. But now the fear that I won’t settle in and then I begin to panic, I coke on my own breathes and can’t stand. I don’t want to wake up 30 years old and all I have is a job, its not about the money it’s about the moments, why wont anyone let me do that, why is it always about the big picture, I like the details, those where my favorite part. Why am I being forced to miss them? I’m just freaking out, this is not what I wanted, and it never was, but I did it cause… god I don’t even know why Current Mood: scared Current Music: Jack's Mannequin- kill the messenger

August 27th, 2006

01:35 am - to think of all the cookies we shared The eggplant hall of fame The twinkle in our eyes No one sees the beauty in drastic Cept the South Street slums I’d dance to Mozart If I could properly explain Why the chicken crossed the road And the reason I can’t sleep till dawn I inhale the new fads And smother my mind with illusion I’d die to be original If only the lions courage were real Home is only in our minds And we search for meaning In robust drinks and smooth lines The singer belts his tune Drowned in sorrow and new found clarity Do not believe a word I say Cause I’m searching for something insane To fill my time And it might just be your lucky day So gather up your clichés They had meaning once before And tend to broken minds The feeble sense of loss Leaves us deaf mute and blind And this techno color hair Is anything but strange is it bad that I'm mad at someone for something so ridiculous? Cassy got mad about it cause she was like fuck, grow some. and im not so much mad about him not talking and be all wallowy, im more pissed off cause he fuckin talked to me the next day, and now he's gonna sulk. dont act ok and fuckin change your mind, and don't take it out on everyone else, when its me your should be mad at. they didnt reject you, I did, dont take it out on them, I got enough to feel guilty about. this may sound selfish but I'm fuckin tired of trying to please everyone else, and make everyone else happy. I hate answering to everyone, I hate explaining my actions to everyone. but yet, I'm always gonna do that... peace Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: Savage Garden- two beds and a coffee machine

August 21st, 2006

12:42 pm It all hits at once. I mean all theses things I could handle separately but it just seems to crush me with the weight of it all. I'm generally a pretty strong person (mentally) I’ve dealt with a lot in my 18 years, and it always seems impossible but I get by and things get better but now, my struggle to be optimistic and not cynical like I naturally am, seems to be failing me. I can get past the fact that Tim’s never gonna fuckin talk to me, not happily but its not the fat lady singing. I could deal with my dad continuously do nothing I ask him, like letting me access my own fuckin savings, or you pay the phone bill. Tom and me and are experiencing the drift. My car continues to make me think its gonna break down at any moment, college starts in a week and I’m scared to death and I seem to be buckling under all of this. I’m not asking for sympathy or using this as an excuse but I’m just not coping and I have no idea how all this just happened, well I do but I was managing it, I was, honest! Believe it or not everyone has things that they hide, believe it or not everyone keeps most things inside believe it or not everyone needs to feel loved - nickelback Current Location: my room Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: Evermore- its too late

August 19th, 2006

02:18 am - This is not working Ok so I've officially lost it. I just can’t deal with the idea of this. I’m so fuckin scared and the one person who promised me that nothing was going to change is already drifting away, and I feel this complete isolation, I'm so fuckin alone and I don’t know how to do that. God we joked about it and now that it’s actually happening, nothing seems to fix it. I'm scared as it is, but the idea of not having Tom in my lunch to call me Jew just scares me on a whole new fuckin level. I understood that this would happen with everyone else, I made peace with that, not happy bout it but it was dealable. Just I thought, if anyone could make the transition, it would be us. Cause our friendship never really existed in the realm of predictable or normal. So why now is it suddenly being attacked by reality? God why does it feel like nothing I do is going to fix this…. I am just messing everything up these days , I CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT Current Mood: pessimistic Current Music: three days grace- gone forever

August 14th, 2006

10:31 pm - Super duper evil monkey brains Two weeks till my life gets put on hold. Two weeks till I don’t leave the library till I’m forced, two weeks till I never see my friends. Two weeks till I’m stressed beyond belief. But I have two weeks to goof off, two weeks to stay up late laughing about childish jokes. Two weeks to stay up late watching movies with my friends but end up talking through it. Two weeks to watch cartoons and color with crappy 99 cent crayons. Two weeks to spend hours in Perkins eating pie and coffee. Two weeks to fret about how I’m going to screw up, two weeks of anticipating and two weeks of worry. Half happy half scared out of my mind. Attempting to never forget any of this, trying hard to remember they thought I was good enough, working towards believing that. Going to camel beach tomorrow with my work family…. Yes cause what the fuck else do I call these people. Wednesday I’m doing something with tom, not sure yet, we lack planning abilities, but I'm pretty sure its gonna end with us laying around my room, him hugging mighty mouse and me falling off my bed. I love my friends but someday I wonder how we all came to be friends, a little bit of circumstance goes a long way. Current Mood: excited Current Music: Stone Sour- looking at you through the glass

July 27th, 2006

04:52 pm - crappy poetry for a crappy situation So I believe I’ve got spun Spun towards the end Where dreams die And I’m farther away from you I claw at last resorts and pleading acts Believing it can make a difference In one night it falls apart In no dramatic sort of way Plans fail And I’m learning this is the worst way I screamed till my lungs gave out And then I cried Till I could no longer see the line That divides fine and falling And I realize I crossed years before I’ve given up And it doesn’t hurt The way I thought it would So I lay protected in my bed Forcing bad thoughts from my head Wondering how it gonna be Lost and scared Giving up on everything that kept me sane Its was all in vain I whisper to no one but myself It’s pathetic how I crumble And the rain outside isn’t helping So I’m preying to a god I know doesn’t exist Wishing for a miracle to resolve this mess As for now I’ll lay her dejected and broken Hoping a fix isn’t too far away Cause I’m easily addicted to the misery It’s clear enough for me to see I might not want to leave Current Location: Foo fighter Current Mood: numb Current Music: Jack's Mannequin- kill the messenger

July 22nd, 2006

12:33 am - I'm fuckin insane I swear I just I don’t know anymore…. I can’t handle this, it building up and I don’t know how to make it stop or pause or just go away. I’m not a strong person, but I feel into a nice niche in my life where it was all dealable, even desirable. And for a moment I believe I was getting better, even healthy. And now I revert to old ways and I cringe at the thought of tomorrow. I can’t manage all of this. Half of me am so mad at how unfair this all is, the other part knows about life and knows sometimes stuff happens. But I just wanna make a fort in my room and live in there, and my friends can come by and place but they can’t stay, those staying would somehow unravel my fantasy and reality would sneak in with them. And the selfish part of me wants to wallow and have some give a crap enough to care and make me feel better like I’ve done countless times for others. Cause if I mentally unstable can, anyone can. And maybe I'm alone, even more so cause of that thought and the knowledge that’s its hopeless, and that’s it’s not just the money and the car it’s everything that’s lingers beneath the surface. The way I have to have it organized and planned and it has to be like it was before and now its not and I am vulnerable….I can’t be vulnerable!!!!! I just can’t, I spent way too many years building theses walls… and to top it all off someone actually gives a crap and the second I start to talk I feel this overwhelming guilt for burdening him, and I shut down and act as though I'm fine, and I still yearn for someone to fuckin care….god I'm just, I'm losing my mind. Current Mood: stressed Current Music: AFI- Silver and cold

July 17th, 2006

07:23 pm - I want.... So is this what’s its like to be all grown up? Having my car break down 20 minutes before I had to be at work, needing money I don’t have and won’t have for days? I don’t wanna be like my sister and think my life is over when I’m 22. I’m not exactly having the best beginning, but its gotta get better right? I’ve gotten the short hand version, the hook ups that never work out, the lack of cash, the job, the need to be at the top and death….I’ve only officially been an adult for 6 months and already its not that great, not that it spectacular being underage but doors were supposed to open, things were supposed to start happening, and I cant even tell if things are already in motion. Dan might go to jail for something he didn’t do, Jason is still sick and he’s not getting better and the reality of the situation is this could kill him. Tim is going into the army because he thinks he’s immortal and he’s not. I fear Boo is lost, and he has the potential to do anything but what if he does nothing? Sami’s gonna be like her mom and she doesn’t disserve that fate. If I fail just one test in the nursing program I’m out, and I got no plan B. I think Osafo wants to do something big, but most of us never get to do that, and if he doesn’t, I don’t know if anything else will be able to fill those expectations he has. Were all wandering and in forest Gump his mom said we all have a purpose we all have a destiny, but his lieutenant said were all just floating in a breeze and bump into one another by accident. I want big things for everyone, I want Jason to finally get a handle on his diabetes, and I want Ryan and shell to make it, I want Osafo to discover an alternate dimension and never be forgotten. I want Dustin to make so much money he owns every video game known to man, I wanna see nick in politics cause he would do so much for so many. I wanna know that Boo became a high level Buddhist monk who brings peace to the Middle East with a game of hackisack. I want Dan to end up with that girl and find his passion. I want Tim is surviving the army. I want my sister to finally find a guy worthy of her, because she disserves it. I want Derrick’s dad to make up for all the times he screwed up. I want Tom to break away from the sheltered life he’s lived and find himself, because I don’t think he has yet. I want Frankie and his brother to get along, and not become so distant that they never talk. I want to always know these people, I want us to never loose sight of our true ideas and beliefs, and I want none of us to ever grow up to the point that we cant just sit around eating cookies and frosting. Current Location: my room Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Kill Hannah- lips like morphine

July 13th, 2006

July 12th, 2006

01:54 am - Questions Is there something wrong with me? Why is it so easy for people to dismiss me? Why can’t I get over the stupidest of incidents? Why does it leave me completely clueless? Why am I so lost in every aspect? Why can’t anyone look past how I act, and actually get that I’m more? ... But Am I? I wish you weren’t worth the wait… Current Mood: lonely Current Music: Taking back Sunday- your own disaster

July 10th, 2006

08:06 pm - between how it is and how it should be So my insomnia is getting to the point that I should probably be getting medication for it. My sleep is beyond fucked up. My dad says it’s because I’m bi-polar. Because I’m Bi-polar I tend to think way too much and too fast and that’s why I can’t sleep, because I'm thinking too much and too fast. So at least there’s a reason, not that that’s helping. I’m worried about a friend, not to the point that I’m really scared, but just concerned. And I doubt he’d talk to me of all people about it. While I was not sleeping I decided to be insane and start a monologue. And I came to the conclusion that I don’t wanna be famous or rich or any of that pre established value of worth. I just wanna affect people; I want to be a catalyst. I want to affect people. Be important to them. I want 20 years down the lane for someone to say “I’m glad I meet her” I don’t even care if they remember my name; I just wanna affect as many people as possible. So they make a change, so they feel better. Even if it’s just me giving a random person on the street a tissue if there crying. Peace Current Mood: lazy Current Music: kyle xy

July 3rd, 2006

June 30th, 2006

03:44 am - What is this? And I wish I could stop feeling like something is very wrong. Cause I'm just not ok and I don’t why Current Mood: scared Current Music: 3 doors down- If I could be like that

June 21st, 2006

12:06 pm And I wish you weren't worth the wait, 'Cause there's some things I'd like to say to you. And I don't think that you know what you've been missing. 'Cause I don't think that you know what you've been missing. And I dare you to forget the marks you left across my neck, From those nights when we were both found at our best. Now I could make this obvious, and you, You could deny me all in one breath, You could shrug me off your shoulders. And I don't think that you know what you've been missing. 'Cause I don't think that you know what you've been missing. And I don't think that you know, said I don’t think that you know, Said I don't think that you know what you've been missing. I’m tired Cynical and broken, but wiser Heavy with a sense of resentment But I used to be so much different I used to have so much faith When I started You knew that I always meant it I knew I could make a difference I struggled to be heard And then finally, one day people started listening And I knew it But as soon as it began it was ruined A slow descent from unique to routine Over and over "Just do it again and this time with feeling" The spotlight The focus on the friends and the feelings That made those stupid songs all worth singing And don't you say a word Unless you're pretty sure that you want it analyzed So we drove For what seemed like days Over roads And four lane highways We said all we had to say And I realized in time that it didn't mean anything Current Mood: mellow Current Music: Snow Patrol- Chasing Cars

June 19th, 2006

07:08 am This is not good, not good at all And I’ve used the word smitten And momoo knows all about it cause momoo is awesome like that What is happening to me?????? I DON’T LIKE THIS, NOT ONE BIT... Ok maybe a little bit (but that’s only cause I’m slightly restarted) Current Mood: guilty Current Music: Snow patrol- hands open

June 13th, 2006

02:36 am - Overthinking the obvious I swear my insomnia causes me to become a hopeless romantic. I’m tired of this ideal scenario I concoct when everything is still. The dead of night does that, when your heartbeat is so loud, it’s booming. Maybe it’s because I never felt the rush of my first love, or the loss, that leaves me wanting it. But still it’s somewhat insane how much time I spend day dreaming about it. Apparently bravo is playing some gangster movie. It’s strange that the mob boss gives really good advice, and he isn’t portrayed as evil as they typically are. He advocates mixed race dating and staying in school and this is in the 70’s. While the father who is supposively the good guy tells the boy not too. Odd how that works. I need some sleep…. I need something good to happen, I need to escape this rut, this everyday over analyzing, and as much as I hate to admit it, I wanna find someone that I could love. I’m just tired of pretending I’m god damn fine, I hate acting like I'm ditzy and carefree. Honestly I do it more to keep consistent, I’m afraid if I stop then everyone will abandon me, me being deep and thinking about why all these things happen isn’t what I usually do, at least in the company of others. This is why I hate being bi-polar, it’s too complicated. I can’t even fuckin explain it right! I need some sleep because I want it to rain so I can just stand in it for a while, hoping for something to happen, because I want to have an epiphany, a drastic understanding or I might just burst into a pile of confetti Dream well Current Mood: restless Current Music: Michelle Branch CD

June 6th, 2006

02:12 am - Popping Pills at the art gallery I can’t seem to shake this. Like if I somehow disappeared no one would truly be affected. I attempt to be important, to be known, make a presence, make it so if I wasn’t there people would care, but I’m getting this feeling of dread that that’s never gonna happen. This has been happening the last couple of weeks, today especially. It’s like I'm laying in bed with the ultra comfy blankets staring at the mallrats poster, thinking how unimportant I am to people. It’s not depressing or anything just unsettling and its keeping me from sleep. For almost half my life I never actually lived and now I’m sorta over compensating I guess, I wanna be extra weird, extra insane, extra excited for everything I wanna see everything, I wanna go to god damn Australia. I want the passion for life, and I’m never quite grasping it. I blame the counting crows song Mr. Jones its put me in this mood of utter distress but I can’t seem to stop playing it. I wanna help my friends, but I doubt I am, I fear there simply saying they feel better because ultimately I’m giving them mental anguish and when you’re upset friends are trying to make you feel better, that’s never good. So now I’m sitting here at 2 in the morning, with the half empty sea monkey tank next to me and the random comic book and wanting to just do something, anything. And at the same time I just wanna lay under my covers and watch mind numbing TV. And at the same time I wanna lay in someone’s arms making up false lives while we blast the garden state cd, because that soundtrack is awesome for making up a false identity. I’m a hopeless romantic doomed to live out my life in a realist world. I need some sleep; unfortunately my dreams have been extra odd the last few nights. Current Mood: distressed Current Music: Counting Crows- Mr.Jones